Regret, or Something Like It

I tell people that moving to Ohio has been the best decision of my life. I say this vehemently, offering up solid reasons as to why this is true. My job! Being able to afford a nice apartment...with a washer AND dryer! and a pool! The complete independence! I say the last one with extra emphasis, and everyone including myself knows its a lie. Sure, I put almost all my furniture together myself, and even did a pretty good job decorating the place. Very you, people say. I am surrounded by black and white pictures of my girlfriends, now miles away from me. My parents. And him. But he is not miles away anymore. He's here, a five minute drive, at my disposal ALL THE TIME. And what a disaster that's become. Sitting here at the pub table I am so proud of (I got a great deal on it!) I think that the Move may have been the worst decision I could have made. All my good intentions have gone to shit. He and I...we've had better days. Years, even. I never took cooking classes. Too expensive. I never took up yoga. He stopped going to the gym with me, and then I stopped going period.

I miss my life in Boston. I miss the wonderful cafe across the street, with the perfect tuna and pesto wrap. I miss Store 24 and the Pakistani man who sold me a giant bottle of water every day (I know, I was killing the environment!) I miss the Armenian or Arabian guys at the pizza shop with the Irish name right below my apartment! I miss the walks along the harbor and the bars and the restaurants. I even miss moving my car on the street cleaning nights, and every two hours in the South End. I miss Harvard Square, and Border tacos and enchiladas (and margaritas!)....I could go on and on, but on this night, at this moment, I am so full of missing I think I could cave in. I try not to let myself regret but I feel it creeping into me, taking over my thoughts. Taunting me as I wander through my small apartment, lingering over pictures of memories. I will walk into work tomorrow, smiling and laughing and everyone will be convinced by my confidence. But I will come home tomorrow night and regret will find its way back into that spot in the center of my chest...and I will ignore it and look forward to my next trip back into my old life.